Wednesday, June 3, 2009

SUICIDE BOMBING CONTEMPLATION

The art of suicide bombing is very intriguing to me…. Specifically the recruiting element…. I mean come on, who cares about the fag blowing himself up…. I’m interest in the guy who talked him into it…. that’s what I want to contemplate….

So, how does this shit work…. How would one get into this line of work…. If your good at it, it seems like it would be very rewarding and fulfilling… seriously, talking someone into blowing themselves up is the ultimate sell…. If you can sell that, you can sell anything… in a world where education isn’t put at the top of the priority list, I’m forced to assume that there is a natural ability factor that plays into it…. But how does it start…. How does any of it start… ive played the initial recruiting conversation in my head a few times and it always plays out with me saying no…. maybe I just suck at suicide recruiting…. Here’s how I see it in my head….

Me and a buddy are outside somewhere by ourselves smoking stogies and talking about whales or something…. Its always outside in my head for some reason… just go with it…

Recruiter… hey buddy I want to talk to you about something, how you been?

Me….. It’s another day bro, just living life…. What’s up?

R…. I’ve been thinking…. You know you would make a great martyr….. I think you have what it takes….

Me…. Oh yeah, thanks bro… what is that, like a ship boat captain or something….

R…… no man…. Its doing gods work…. Bro you rid the holy land of the infidels….

Me…. You mean like a soldier?

R…. yeah man… a soldier of God….

Me…. Sounds pretty cool bro…. but I have a job….

R……. no man…. Your not getting it…. You kill yourself in Gods name but you take the infidels with you for God….. And then your rewarded by him in heaven….. Its in the good book man… its legit…

Me….. Ummm…. Why wouldn’t God just do it himself man…. couldn’t he like make a massive flood or something and kill the infidels….

R…… No man, a flood would also kill non infidels and damage trees and shit… God loves trees bro….

Me…. Oh… yeah your right I didn’t think of that…. Well what about a massive thunder storm…. It could last for weeks and he could only target infidels…

R…. no man God already thought of all this…. He wouldn’t do that because he would inconveniences a lot of others…. Listen, after you do this you will go to heaven and God will reward you with 70 virgins….

Me….. Really?

R….. yeah bro………. Really.

Me….. What would I do with 70 virgins……

R…… what every you want bro….. they would be yours…..

Me…. So, would I own them all, or would I just be married to them all…..

R….. I don’t know man…. It doesn’t specify……

Me…. Well that’s kinda important bro….. I mean, I’m married to only one women right now….. I can barely handle her bitching….. Let alone 69 more of her….. Fuck I would probably commit suicide again….. But if I own them…. I could be like, look number 34, you need to go clean the living room…. Stat….. and she would have to cause I own her…..

R…… really bro…. really

Me…. Yeah… I’m just saying….

R…… your reading way to far into this…..

Me…. Well now you got me thinking man… would God give me a big house, I’m mean cause if I’m still living in a 3 room house with 70 chicks, heavens going to be hell bro…

R…. no man, God wouldn’t screw you like that….

Me…. I don’t know if I like the idea of them ALL being virgins too man… could I like mix it up a bit… you know some veterans, some rookies, some young, some old, and nationalities bro…. would they all be Arab…. Or could I like have 70 different nationalities….

R......................

Me….. don’t look at me like that man….. Its important…. I don’t want to have to train 70 rookies and have to put up with the “ you want me to do what’s” and the “ I don’t know how do that’s”…… it would be nice to have a few vets who could do the training for me…. Plus when I’m in the mood for experience, Id have it bro….

R…. you’re a fucking retard….

Me………… …………..

R…. bro, your doing this for God not yourself…..

Me….. Then why is there a fucking reward…. Why don’t you do it…..

R…. cause I’m the fucking recruiter bro… if we all were recruiters then there would be no recruits……

Me….. (I say nothing but think to myself) that’s sound logic….

R…… hey man, it’s a way of proving your faith…..

Me…. Well I can still make it to heaven without blowing myself up man….. And to be honest with you, I’m not that gung-ho about the lack of answers on the virgins thing…. If that’s my reward, you’d think there would be answers to some of these questions….

R……. maybe I was wrong…. Maybe you wouldn’t make a good martyr….

Me…. Well maybe fucking not….


It would go something like that I think….. Then I start thinking…. They couldn’t just become recruiters… there would have to be some kind of training or cheat sheet that they get…. Much like telemarketers…. When I was 15 I was a telemarketer and it was a blast…. Most people hated that job, but I loved it…. They gave us a cheat sheet that had “good” rebuttals to anticipated questions and concerns….. There were like 25 different rebuttals….. You would just read it right off the sheet…. Most telemarketers hated getting yelled at over the phone…. Or when someone would try to make them feel like shit for calling during certain hours, they would cry (girls)…… I fucking loved those calls….. I would have fun with it…. Why do I care if some fag yelled at me for calling him…. Id try to keep them on the line as long as I could…. I wouldn’t even try to sell them at that point….. Id just try to make them angrier without getting myself in trouble…… there has to be a suicide bomber recruiting cheat sheet…. I wonder if they have suicide bomber recruiter seminars…. Train the trainer kind of thing….

This is akmed shiek ballsonchin…… he has successfully recruited 54 suicide bombers…. He’s going to talk to you for a few about what it takes to be a real suicide bomber recruiter…..

Lol….. I know there’s a lot of other ways to get people to blow them selves up….. I know they kidnap family members and threaten to kill them if you don’t do it and they prey on the ones who have recently suffered severe emotional events…. But those are lame…. That’s to easy….

I also think that our government could be missing out on a massively untapped resource…. I say offer these recruiters (the good ones) complete immunity and have them work for us…. Like I said before, if you can sell blowing your self up…. You can sell anything….. I say hire these guys to be recruiters for the army… nobody likes that job anyways…. The numbers would probably go up and it would increase our readiness….. I’m just saying…..

2 comments:

Mayhem At The McNeils said...

michael-
that is the best freaking post ever. i love that u wrote out that whole convo.....hahahahaha.oh and the 1 bitching wife comment was great! yeah it would be hard to multiply my bitching by 69 times. whew...that would want to make you kill your self again!!! only you would go into depth about your "reward"LOL.
GREAT GREAT job writing. i LOVE how you put things. i am stil cracking up thinking about it! :)
I love you and stay safe.

Anonymous said...

Hey dude...I'll quit posting, but I will be enjoying your wife before you get home. We've actually been talking in person, and she has no clue that I'm "anon"...lol

Take care "little" buddy. She has shared that "little" tidbit with me.

"Anon"