Sunday, February 6, 2011


I've been in Germany for a year now. My unit is deploying very soon and I won't be going with them. I've had 4 surgical procedures on both of my ankles and I've been diagnosed with PTSD and an anxiety disorder. I just got reassigned to a WTU and I start their tomorrow. I think a med board is in my near future... I welcome it with open arms. I can't take this shit anymore. I'm ready to be done with the army. I've paid my dues and it's time for me to move on. I think I’m going to go to law school when i do finally get out of the military.

short and sweet... very quick snap shot of my current situation. there is much much more but I’m getting bored writing this... so I’m going to stop... ummmmmmm... yeah that's it I’m done...

until next time


Saturday, September 4, 2010

Away but not gone

sorry for the hiatus blogger... alot has happened since we last conversated... im not done with you yet, i just don't have much to say at the moment... lol, actually i have plenty to said i just don't feel like saying it... so the hiatus continues... ill be back in due time...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009



I've been home for a few weeks now and I'm starting to fall into the normal routine again. I'm not having flash backs or nightmares, I'm not waking up looking for my weapon or digging trenches in the back yard with Kevlar donned and knife in hand, but I do feel I'm missing something... I can put my finger on it but something doesn't feel right. I have these moments or blocks of time where i feel out of place, or like I want to be doing something but I don't feel like doing anything. Lol, that can't make sense to anyone. It's an antsy, uneasy feeling that creeps up on me and I just walk around with a constant feeling of uncomfortability. It's like I have an internal compressed spring inside me and it's broken. It doesn't decompress on it's own like it should. So I feel it's constant pressure. It feels like the feeling you get inside when your riding a roller coaster, but the feeling doesn't dissipate shortly after. It stays and lingers for hours. I feel it everyday, and I'm ready for it to go away.

I think now I'm going to jump all over the place a little. I want to express my complete disdain for a couple GARRISON rules that erk the shit out of me. These rules were present in Iraq, but here they are fucking PREVALENT.

1) No smoking AND WALKING at the same time.

yeah, no shit... honest to God, that's a fucking rule. The reason for the rule I'm told, is that it presents an unprofessional appearance. Now that's absolutely absurd. Anyone who has bought into that bullshit ass line is a moron and isn't capable of independent thought. How the hell is smoking stationary (allowed) less professional then smoking and walking (not allowed). I see them one and the same. To me your either smoking, or your not.

I think the rule was conceived as a way to punish smokers or hinder their smoking. The army isn't shy about frowning on tobacco, and that's fine. tobacco is bad and it has a negative effect on health. Hey Big Army, if you don't like tobacco and want to hinder those who smoke cool, but lets call it that. Lets not hide behind a bullshit ass unprofessional label that tells me that smoking and standing still is more professional then smoking and walking.

The bitch of it all is that it's enforced alarmingly consistently. It fucking baffles me. I could give a fuck if private Joe Snuffy is smoking a cigarette while walking to his car. Who the fuck really cares man. Can we as an organization not see the lunacy in the rule. Can we really not turn a blind eye to an easily agreed upon dumb rule. Their are many dumb rules in the army that aren't enforced. rules about who sits where in vehicles based on rank. who gets out first and in which order everyone else gets out. We have rules about where your suppose to walk in relation the ranks of the soldiers your walking with and we even have a rule that says that your cargo pockets cant have anything in them that presents a bulky appearance. NONE of which are enforced.........EVER. No where in any regulation or publication are we told as soldiers that some rules to be enforced and others aren't. It doesn't even specify a level of importance on rules... How am I to know that smoking and walking is much more important then walking on the correct side of the soldier I'm walking with based on his rank. Come on man, lets give it a rest. Leave people alone.... It's not that serious.

2) No hands in your pockets.

Now I can't for the life of me even fathom where this came from. Once again it falls into the unprofessional category.... REALLY..... Well now I beg to differ. I don't see how sheltering your hands from the cold by putting them into your pockets is unprofessional. It's plain smart to me.

Who decides whats professional and whats not. Is there some authority figure that makes these determinations, and if so whats the criteria involved when making these determinations. I would really like it to be completely broking down to me. I pride myself on being a little smarter then the average bear, but this is a huge conundrum to me. I just can't find how it connects to professionalism on any level. On top of that, how cruel is it to give a soldier a uniform with 12 pockets and then tell him he cant put his hands in them. Those seem like contradicting ideas to me.

Whats funny though is that because this rule is strictly enforced, when it gets cold soldiers will tuck their hands into their pants. They will either tuck them in the front down by their balls to keep them warm or they will tuck them into the back on their ass. This isn't corrected because their is no regulation that stipulates that you can't do this... I see this a whole lot. Now isn't this much more unprofessional then putting your hands in your pocket. I would think that someone with rank who sees this might say to themselves " hey, wait a minute.... this doesn't make sense.... If your going to put your hands on your balls to side step this rule that deems you unprofessional by putting your hands in your pockets, well for the sake of the intent of the rule, lets scrap the enforcement of it and just let your hands go in your pockets... Hey everybody listen up... If you have your hands down your pants to keep them warm right now because you can't put them in your pockets just pull them out and put them in your pockets.... you'll look much more professional if you do." ....HOMERUN.... Put another point on the board for Nught.


NUGHT--------- 4567 POINTS

I'll leave you with a few pictures of me with my kids... man it's good to be with them again.

Friday, October 2, 2009


Alright, Ive been home since the 24Th.... I didn't have a chance to post in Kuwait... I wasn't going to pay 5 dollars for 15 min of Internet... I'm home now and I'm reintegrating... I really don't have much to say or talk about at the moment... I don't know where to go from here with the blog but I'll think of something... bare with me...

Saturday, September 19, 2009



Here I sit on my little cot cramped in the middle of about 50 others. My space encompasses my cot and about a foot off of that in all directions... This space is mine for the next day or so... Any challenge of my space will be met with a stern confrontation and aggressive counter measures to ensure the sovereignty of my rightfully owned space.

"Hey guy.... Move your fucking assault pack away from my cot..... That's where my boots go"...

I mentioned before how tent city was about a three day event... and now I'm saying I'm only going to be here for a day or so... The reason for this is that I decided that coming to tent city two days early would be arbitrary, and definitely in my mind not absolutistic... Instead, I opted to stay in my room which was furnished with a bed and TV for the last two days.... I just finished moving into my new space and now I'm eagerly awaiting the info on my fight to Kuwait...

Pirated DVD's.....

I've wrote before about how you can get pirated dvd's for 2 bucks here in Iraq. Well, we were all briefed yesterday that Navy customs in Kuwait is making everyone throw all but ONE of your pirated movies away. Now that can't be right. It doesn't make sense. You would think that they would adopt a policy of either you can have or you can't have. A "you can keep one pirated dvd but that's all policy", that would be asinine, and you can bet that i will be doing my fair share of ear bending on behave of my soldiers if that turns out to be true. The fact that the US government allows pirated dvd's to be sold to soldiers on almost every base in Iraq is enough ammo for me... If the policy is you can buy them but not keep them, then that needs to be specified prior to purchase. I would have still bought some but not to the extent that i did...

I know when i was here my first time the policy was that you could have one copy per movie... you couldn't try to bring home 25 copy's of the same movie... Now that makes sense. I think that still is the policy and people are confused. I got the brief from my 1SG and PSG. I told them about the policy before and they shot it down saying "No, you can only bring one movie period". My movie collection has swelled from about 70 predeployment to around 400 now... So to play it safe I sent all my movies home in the mail today to avoid any serious confrontations with the Navy in the next few days... I'll update on this after I find out for sure.

Other then that I'm stuck in a rather long game of hurry up and wait. If I'm honest I think I've been playing it for the last 5 days, and it won't stop until I'm at my house...

Friday, September 18, 2009


About two hours ago I finished my last combat mission on the streets of Baghdad I will probably ever go on. It was a surreal feeling. I knew while out on the road that it was my last mission so i just tried to soak it all in. I can't tell you how many times I responded to an IED/EFP attack on a road that I'd traveled at least 100 times before. It always made me feel the same way. I'd look at the blast seat and the truck damage and say to my self fuck man, I've rode down this street hundreds of times before.... I've driven by that spot so many times... I would feel lucky that it wasn't my convoy, but I'd know that it just wasn't our time. This city has been my stomping ground for a year now. I've become very familiar with this city... When i first got here I didn't know my way around at all. Everything in this city was new to me... Now I can go anywhere in Baghdad without a map... I routinely make route changes on the fly without having to look at anything or second guess myself... It kinda feels like this is my city... Alot like how you'd feel about your home town... It's familiar and you notice immediately if something is out of place. I'm leaving now and will probably never return... Deeper reflecting on this will reveal weather that's a good thing or not...

I've made it.... I'm home free.... I don't know if what I've done here this deployment will end up being worthy of much or not. I think that would require strong thought and a clear mind, both of which i don't possess at the moment. However, I will say that my only goal when coming to this country this deployment was to bring myself and my men home alive. I've done that. I know it may seem premature to ring that bell being that we're still in Iraq and technically IN DANGER, but baring a hugely unlucky plane crash, a rogue mortar ( also very unlucky ), or the Kuwaiti base we fly from getting over taken, I'd say the odds of us not making it now are up there with winning the lottery and getting struck by lighting. So, ring ring ring.... and I'll take my chances.

Thursday, September 10, 2009



I say single digits but if I'm honest I'm really counting down to like 4 different sequential events. The first being when I will finally be done running missions ( more to follow on that ). Then after that's passed our chalk will leave the comfy confines of our little tin two man rooms for big 100 man tents. Tent city as its called is hell. Living on a cot with nothing to do and 100 people all around you for days sucks, especially when your just waiting to go to fucking Kuwait. The third event is getting to Kuwait. I have a date but flight dates are always subject to change. Getting to Kuwait is the start of the " I'm finally fucking going home feeling". Frustration sets in shortly after. It's almost impossible to stay giddy and excited about being on the cusp when the cusp is days long... It can be mental torture. Kuwait is its own animal. No one knows how long we will have to wait there. I've heard 1 day and I've heard 3. Last deployment I heard we would only be there for one day but it ended up being 7. Kuwait is tent city with more rules and less to do. You wait and wait until you can finally start your 22-26 hour plane ride back home. Fun..... All in all you work here in Iraq until your finally able to start your going home process. In a perfect world this process would just be the plane ride home. Instead the Army has managed to find a way to make this process a 10-20 day event. HOOAH...


I kinda feel like a douche complaining about going on missions because to be honest, I like going on missions. One of the most common questions I'm asked by family and friends in the civilian world is why would anyone like going into the streets of Baghdad? Why would I enjoy putting myself in harms way? I believe from the many conversations I've had about this that there is a common misconception that going outside of the wire is dreaded by soldiers. It's not. In my experience, most COMBAT soldiers enjoy and look forward to going out. The analogy I use when explaining this I will call the fire fighter analogy. As a fire fighter you train and train to fight fires. You practice hundreds of different scenarios, sliding down the pole, prepping your gear and truck, among many other things. This can go on for months or even years and nothing real world happens. Then all the sudden there's a house fire somewhere. Do you think that fire fighter wants to go? I bet he wants to go bad. That's his job. That's what hes been training and practicing for. He wants to go and maybe even has been hoping for a fire somewhere. It's the same for a soldier. I train and train for war. I practice different scenarios and go through different schools all to prepare me for war. Then a war breaks out somewhere. Do i want to go? Fuck yeah i want to go. Not only that but i want something to happen. I don't want to just sit back and ride it out. I want to be in the front. I want to put my skills and training to the test.

I don't know if that make sense. I know my soldiers feel the same way because we've talked about it. They like going out and hope something happens while we are out there as well. There's not a mission that goes by that my gunner doesn't ask me if he can shoot something.

Walters: Sgt. McNeil theres a rag head up ahead on the right just standing by the road.

Me: Yeah I see him Walters... Just watch him.

Walters: Can i shoot him?

Me: lol, No Walters you can't shoot him.

Walters: Well can i shoot a dog tonight? Or shoot off some of my nonlethal rounds?

Me: Nope.

Walters: Why not, you've let me before.

Me: EOD's with us and they will tell on us.

Walters: Fuck them POG's.

For the last 2 weeks we have responded to a call every night. Evey single time we gear up to go I think to myself... This is it.. Today's the day... Time to cash in and meet my maker... Tonight's the night that I will be condemned to an afterlife of.... well fuck it you fill in the rest......... The point is when your this close to the end, your done. No one wants to make 11 and a half months. I no longer want to go out. I'm done risking it. I just want to go home now. I've seen and heard to many story's about soldiers dying in there last weeks. Guys who die when they were suppose to be home already but for some reason were still in theater. I no longer hope for missions. I feel like a bitch for whining about it but it's time to pack it in. I'm done playing soldier this deployment.


opening weekend... I'm pumped... i wait for this all year long... I'm a huge cowboy fan... we won and are now 1-0... we have a tough test next week but i think we will be up for the challenge...


this post was written over the course of a few days... so the date stamp isn't correct, it's when i started this post... right now I'm looking at being out of this country in under a week and possible being home in under a week... i have one more day of missions... cross your fingers... ill go out into the wild probably two more times before I'm done.... shit it's the last day of missions, i may even wear my Kevlar this time...

Sunday, September 6, 2009


A few post back I wrote about a new milblogger who was starting his second tour in Iraq. I had the chance to write back in forth with him a few times in the last month. I never got the chance to meet him, or to speak with in directly but i knew from the content of his writings that he was cut from the same cloth as I.

I've been waiting patiently for the last few days for him to write a new post to no avail. I just stopped by his page and saw that he had 58 comments on his last post to the 6 he has on the post before that one. I went to read the comments and saw that he has been killed. He died on the 2ND of Sept. The details are unknown to me right now. Although i only got to talk to him a few times, i feel like I've lost a friend. This has hit really close to home. Losing someone over here is always hard, no matter how many times it happens, it never gets easier. It hits you like a ton of bricks. He will be missed. I urge you all to stop by his page and pay your respects.

Thursday, September 3, 2009


I finally have solid information on when i leave iraq.... I have heard it from the horses mouth. Standing in Battalion evesdroping on my platoon sgt. and 1sg, I heard them give solid dates for when we leave. The funny thing is they knew i was evesdroping. I made no attempt to hide the fact that i was. Shit i was standing 5 feet away from them. I stared intently at them listening to everything they were saying and they saw me. I didn't look away or attempt to play off my interest in the conversation. When they looked at me, I looked back at them silently. It was an ackward moment. Just silent staring. Although nothing was said or heard, it kinda sounded like my eyes where saying "hey keep talking fags, i want to know when im going home too". They got the point and continued the conversation.

So, I have a solid confirmed date for when i fly to kuwait from iraq. As for when i leave kuwait for the states, that's still up in the air. I'm being told that it shouldn't be more then 3 days...

That's all I have for now. If you were thinking I was going to tell you the date then your an idiot. I can't because it would violate OPSEC.... but that's not why I wont tell you. I'm not telling because I'm an asshole.... and assholes do asshole things.... lol

Sunday, August 30, 2009


Once a year we celebrate with stupid hats and plastic plates the fact that I was able to make another trip around the sun.

And the whole clan gathers around and gifts and laughter do abound and we let out a joyful sound and sing that stupid song.

Happy birthday… now I’m one year older
Happy birthday… my life still isn’t over
Happy birthday… I did not accomplish much… but I didn't die this year so I guess that’s good enough.

So lets drink to my fading health and hope that I don’t remind myself my chance of finding fame and wealth decrease with ever year.

It feels like I’m doing laps and eating food and taking naps and hoping that someday perhaps my life will hold some cheer.

Happy birthday… what have I done that matters
Happy birthday… I’m starting to get fatter
Happy birthday… its down hill from now on… ill try not to remind myself my best years are all gone.

If cryogenics were all free then I could live like Walt Disney and live for all eternity inside a block of ice.

But instead my time is set this is the only life I get and though it hasn’t ended yet sometimes I wish it might.

Happy birthday… I wish I had more money
Happy birthday… life’s so sad its funny
Happy birthday… how much more I can take… fuck it, my friends are hungry so I’ll cut the stupid cake.