alright.... I haven’t posted in a while... i don’t count the pic post, those were just fillers.... i know what the problem is.... i usually write my post in my head days before i actually put them in type..... 99% of the time, what every is occupying my mind is what i try to write about... the problem is that so much has happened in the last few weeks that i cant complete a thought or idea in my head before something else happens and forces me into something else.... does that make sense, i don’t know.. it does to me... so what im left with is fragments of ideas and thoughts that are never fully conceptualized.... for the last two weeks i have been trying to write one long post that encapsulated everything.... i couldn’t get it to flow... i couldn’t get the sequence of events right, and i never really finished them in my head beforehand.... i could write the beginnings of most of them but i would get stuck somewhere in the middle... so fuck it...
bottom line.... my squad moved to a new temporary home.... a sequence of unfortunate events compiled with an already bad inherited relationship with the boss of our new home left us catching the short end of the shit stick at every turn.... everyday something new is being thrown on the shit pile and we just cant seem to burn the shit fast enough metaphorically speaking.... the situation is very fluid.... in a week im sure our situation with be much different because if i go back the last 3 weeks each one is filled with numerous twist and turns.... its just one big rollercoaster ride.... i guess all deployments are though....
i also get frustrated when what im thinking about is something i cant write about.... fuck.... there is so much i just want to let out but i cant.... two many eyes see this and i cant have certain things fall in the certain hands... incriminating myself or others isn’t productive in any facet.... but truth be told, there is a lot of stuff i want to talk about.... i fell like im talking to a buddy when im writing... i don’t see any of you who read this when im writing.... if i did i probably wouldn’t tell you anything.... its weird because im not the type to talk about things with people... im a pretty guarded person across the board, but here its like thinking out load kinda....
sitting here tonight, looking back at the past 7-8 months.... man this shit flying.... time is like smoke and mirrors man.... just yesterday i was hating life in Kuwait... now im staring down the finish line.... i feel bipolar sometimes.... or maybe not bipolar, maybe its like i have multiple personalities.... my mood, emotions, and believes seem to change on a whim.... that’s not something im use to... i get bogged down with the stress sometimes and i bitch about this and that some days... then others... i feel like i joined the army to come here.... im getting the extra money and all my needs are being met... so maybe i shouldn’t complain about the stress... i wanted this and now its here so i shouldn’t bitch....
sometimes i think of just starting this blog thing over..... new blog... new name... no pictures.... no identifying info.... that way i may be able to write with a little more freedom.... no link on my wife’s page, just a clean slate... start over and don’t tell a soul..... i haven’t decided yet.... but if you don’t see me on here for a while that maybe the case.... i don’t like feeling paranoid... i don’t like feeling like my chain of command reads my blog.... i don’t like feeling like people are waiting for a slip up.... reading this just waiting for me to write something they can use against me... everyday i find out that someone i work with knows about my blog, and has been on my page.... my squad leader has known for a month or two now and didn’t say a word to me about it until a few days ago.... and he said a lot of others know about it too.... i don’t like that at all....
maybe i will finish out the deployment then switch... i don’t know...
sorry it took so long for me to post.... ill try harder in the future but promise nothing.... till next time NUGHT OUT.....
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6 comments:
dont be worrying about others reading this. who cares. this is about you. you getting out what you need to, well sort of. Obviously you cant spill all the beans cuz thats a no-no. But i'm glad your getting it out love. You are a very guarded person when it comes to feelings and whats going on in that head of yours, so I am thankful that you feel open to writing things out. Start another blog if you want to but since u kinds outed yourself on that one, people will be assuming your this new blog or that new blog. It might not be but you dont want to take a fall for some dumbass who is leaking things he shouldn't be, ya know. I think your blog is great , as is! Anyways, almost 100 days and counting love till your home with us! :) Keep your head up and before you know it you wont have so many crazy things happening one right after another---things wil be able to be a bit slower for you for a while.
Love you and stay safe love
xoxoxoxo
use an old psych trick and go write down what you are thinking on paper and then burn it. It helps to get all the information out of your head and puts it in some sort of order. It also leaves you with your stripes and on your blog. What the Military does not seem to realize is how good it is for you to "talk" and the public needs the information; we don't get it from anyplace else. You need to "talk" to get the support you need to keep moving forward. I'm not expecting OPSEC to be violated, but I certainly don't object or think it shows the Military or you in a bad light if you complain...just because you complain about something does not mean you are not going to do it, it is like a stress reliever. Doing what you want, like, what you signed up for does not mean that you are not going to have stress, but I think in the long run you will have less of it and it will surprise you when you experience it at all....it must be getting hot where you are, have your lovely wife send you some water balloons and you and the guys go have an old fashioned water balloon fight. make sure the chain of command joins in!
take very good care,
marian
Just for the record, everything you said made sense. Articulating is the only way to get stuff under control, and you don't feel like you can do that safely. That sucks. Do what you can. Best of luck! z
i think that may be the only thing working in my favor.... being able to articulate thing in certian ways helps me to be able to talk about somethings i normally woulnt have been able to... i think i can convey my feelings in such a way that gets the point across but at the same time doesnt open myself up to possible punishment.... i think i could very easily talk about the same things but differently, and a fire storm would rain down.... i dont know... thanks z....
side bar.... ive been think about if and when i switch to a new blog, how i could inform certain people without others knowing... i have an idea but im not going to out it yet... i really havent finished planing its execution.... but ill try to before i make a switch.....
Hey Michael, I love the blog and understand the feelings of uneasiness. I'm Curious, are there other active personal that blog from war zones? Just wondering. I for one would miss hearing from you,(your thoughts). BTW, did you get my e-mail? Love you Michael....God Bless xoxo
Me (~:
oh yeah.... there are much much better blogs out there.... with real writers.... some of these guys need to put the blogs away and write books.... yeah i got your email.... i though i responded... ill check again, maybe it didnt send.... love you....
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