FUCK BEING DEPLOYED... FUCK THE ARMY

i said back in Dec. that when we make it past Apr. we will be home free..... i said that if the time could just fast forward..... if we could just be at that point..... all would be ok..... this deployment will be almost over... it would be down hill from there.... fuck...... halfway thru Apr. and shits still the same.... i knew it would be but i expected things to fast forward a little.... i wanted to be passed the new and unroutine..... i wanted to hit that comfortable stride...... but i still haven't..... i think its because i haven't stayed put in one place for longer then 3 months... constantly moving, and changing mission, and changing SOP's, changing soldiers, and changing teams.... changing leaders and changing my outlook....

i couldn't wait to deploy back in the states.... man, i fucking hate garrison... i hate everything about it.... i hate having to be up at 0530 five days a week... i hate doing PT half asleep.... the last thing i want to do when i wake up ( before i actually want to wake up ) is fucking work out... i want to sleep... we start PT at 0630.... it takes me till about 0700 to wake up..... by then we are almost done...... i hate sidewalk NCO's..... they don't fuck with me much anymore ( cause i am and NCO )..... a sidewalk NCO is a guy who will correct the slightest infraction he sees when you walk by him in garrison.... you need to shave, you need a haircut, your uniform is messed up somehow your rank is dirty, your ID tags arnt on your neck, put your PC on, don't walk in front of formation, those boots arnt authorized, no PT cap in ACU's, the list goes on and on..... its stupid shit.... its pointless..... i understand its intent is to instill discipline... but the discipline is in my opinion is to the detriment of moral, and free thinking..... its been my experience that the less rules and less oversight a unit has the better they operate and the higher moral becomes.... i have been in platoons where you are micromanaged and subjected to hundreds of rules (MP's) and it sucks.... it makes life hell..... I've also been in platoons where you arnt controlled.... your treated like a big boy..... no one cared if you shaved, needed a haircut, were out of uniform, and so on.... no one cared... that shit didn't matter..... consequently, all that shit worked itself out.... soldiers would eventually without being told, cut their hair, and shave, and when its time to roll, they would be in uniform.... no one was looking over our shoulders to ensure we were enforcing the bullshit rules..... we just let everyone handle their shit like adults, and that's what they did..... it worked and everyone loved it..... sure people went longer then normal to cut their hair, us NCO's still wouldn't say anything to them..... the would push the limits of not shaving..... still nothing from us.... they would be in civilian cloths all day.... still nothing from us..... but the minute we said its game time, they would be on it.... they would eventually shave on their own, and get haircuts...... it worked for us..... everyone loved that level of freedom....

you don't get that freedom in garrison..... shit you don't get that freedom in a war zone..... only in the field, where your training for war, are you allowed to act like your at war.... only in the field while TRAINING do you get to forget the unimportant and concentrate on the mission and the life or death aspects of this job..... its fucking sad..... being at war and being in garrison isn't much different..... its like merging the field and garrison...... throw in the fact that you cant see your family, extent the duration of the exercise to 12-15 months........ and take away the luxuries of being off 2 days a week, and being able to run to walmart for shit..... that's war..... oh and you also have real bullets and bombs around you and people who want, try and are thinking about killing you daily...... this job sucks man...

i talk about sacrifice...... i talk about how I'm willing to sacrifice for my country and my family.... I'm willing to put myself aside to improve the quality of life for my family and the safety of this nation.... lol.... that's relative..... but its true... my sacrifice..... but its becoming increasingly obvious to me that my decision to sacrifice isn't my own.... not that the decision isn't only mine, the sacrifice isn't only mine.... I'm not talking about my wife either.... she choose with me.... she made this decision too.... I'm talking about my kids... they didn't have a voice in this..... they sacrifice a great deal because of me..... i made the decision for them..... i made it thinking that i would be doing them a great service..... i thought that i would be improving their lives by sacrificing my own.... I'm not..... my son daily talks about me and ask for me and cries for me.... hes at a crucial part of his development, and he doesn't have me to help sculpt and shape him..... he doesn't have that strong male influence to lean on and rely on.... when I'm there, he has me to stand between him and, bully's, and bad guys, and monsters, and thunderstorms, and fire and danger... he sees me as a safety net.... boys hold their fathers up so high..... they can handle anything.... we are the strongest humans alive.... we are superheros to them.... nothing is better then daddy...... nothing is too scary or too risky when daddy's here...... he'll protect me... he will keep me safe.....

it kills me not to be there for my kids...... they need me.... at this age they develop into the people they will become.... my influence helps shape them as people..... they are deprived of that.... they sacrifice me because i decided to sacrifice for my country..... they pay for my decision..... they bare the brunt of a deployment every bit as much as me... if not more..... if i make it back then i ultimately sacrificed a year..... they sacrifice who they are and who they become...... that could have life long lasting effects on them.... i did that to them....

from my perceptive..... from what i can tell, i hate being deployed and i hate not being deployed.... that can only mean one thing to me.... i fucking hate being in the army.... i hate the idea of having to put my kids thru this again.... i hate having to go home with the knowledge that i will be deploying again in under two year..... i don't want to have to put my kids thru this again.... i don't like this shit anymore..... why couldn't i have just finished college and got a real job...... why cant i finish this enlistment and get out..... finish school and be a civilian..... I've been in for 5 years, and this enlistment will take me to 8...... do i really need to do another 12 after that.... how many more deployments would that be..... how many times do i have to leave before my kids stop believing in me.... before they stop trusting me and needing me.... before they start to forget me...... the army isn't worth it...... i don't know if i want this anymore..... i feel confused.....

side note: all is well with my new platoon.... I'm just getting to know my soldiers, but i know my leaders.... we work well together..... ill do fine here and expect to stay in this assignment thru the duration of the deployment.....