Saturday, March 21, 2009

THINKING OUT LOUD RANDOMLY

mission cancelled today.... thats good i guess..... i get a break....... we do have this mandatory squad pt fun at 1400 today..... i want to be mad about this, who are you to tell me what to do with my time off.... im against the whole concept of making me do what you decided is a good idea with my free time.... but i like pt.... i love sports.... im looking forward to it...... im glad everyone else has to do it too..... its more fun when you have the numbers..... so i guess im torn on this.....

i feel like shit..... im tired.....i just cant seem to get the right amount of sleep ever..... i get so irritated by this..... if i sleep 4-6 hours a night i wake up feeling tired..... like i under slept.....if i get 7-10 hours i wake up feeling tired..... like i over slept.... its rare that i wake up now a days feeling good.... i think the amount of sleep i need is alluding me.... its somewhere in the range of 6-7 hours..... but i cant find it.... its like i have a window thats 5 mins long somewhere in between the 6th and 7th hour..... if i wake up in this window then im good.... if i over or under shoot it, i feel like shit.... i cant find it..... also i dont dream..... ever..... or at least if i do, i can never remember them.... i have to dream right? everybody dreams..... why cant i ever remember mine..... maybe its a blessing..... maybe i dont want to remember what im dreaming about.... maybe its bad..... i use to dream...... i dont know what happened..... i hate going to bed at night.... i hate waking up in the morning... at night i fight the need for sleep..... i dont want to sacrifice my free time and waste it on sleep... i think its because i know that once i lay down to sleep that when i wake up i have to go to work.... i love being a sleep though.... it passes the time the quickest... but when i awake im face to face with the reality that i have a long day ahead of me..... i wake up 10 min before i have to be at the trucks in the morning.... get dressed brush my teeth and shave.... grab all my shit and head out to the trucks..... i do all of this in a half asleep stupor.... we go to the trucks 2 hours before we start the mission.... lol...... i hate this.... it takes about 20 min to get the trucks ready to go.... another 20 for a mission brief.... that leaves us with 1 hour and 20 minutes to stand there and do nothing.... we also have a new sop..... we need to be 15 prior to the 2 hours prior..... are you fucking kidding me..... how stupid is this..... if the sp time is 8 in the morning we have to be at the trucks at 6..... but because we cant be on time, that would be bad some how.... we have to be before time.... so 15 min. prior to that.... so we really have to be out there at 545....... i just love this way of thinking..... if i didnt think it would happen i would suggest that we be there 10 min prior to the 15 prior to the 2 hours prior..... just to emphasize the stupidity of the policy..... but im sure if i suggest it some dick face will think it makes sense... he wont see the sarcasm or that intent of the suggest.... it would be taking at face value and it would probably be implemented..... needless to say i dont do any of this crap.... i dont care what time i get out there..... my truck is always up way before its time to go.... so no..... i wont be going out 15 min prior to the 2 hours.... and i really dont care if i get there 2 hours early to be honest.... ill get there when i get there.... just leave me the fuck alone, when and if my truck isnt up on time then come and bitch at me.... until then.... kick rocks.... hey sgt. mcneil, i just counted the bottles of water in your truck..... we are suppose to have 36 bottles in there.... you have 34.... thats not the standard..... lol.... go blow your dad fag..... leave me alone..... i really dont give a fuck about your standard.... if it really comes down to that two bottles of water... if that ever is or was the difference between a successful or unsuccessful mission then ill shot myself in the face...... hows that.....

why am i so tired.... im always tired.... not sleepy tired, but just the constant feeling of being drained.... i feel worn down.... i feel like my battery charge is at about 5%... im on the edge of crashing and shutting down.... im plugged in though.... recharging..... the problem with this is that my recharge input is matching my output...... so i just stay at a constant 5% charge.....

these fucking people man.... this place just feels so surreal...... they walk around as if they dont know where they are at.... what they are doing here.... why do we have to be professional..... why..... to me its like asking a savage to be a gentlemen at the same time.... sure when we are in the states and you go off post, be a poster boy for the army.... but in iraq.... who the fuck cares..... up hold the standards..... yeah got it.... when you come up with standards worth up holding then ill look into it..... dont leave your room unless your in full uniform..... blow me.... if i need to piss im not going to fumble around with my boots and hat and eye pro and pt belt..... im going to put my shoes on and walk to the pissers..... if thats wrong then im wrong.... im ok with that..... pt belts.... what the fucks really going on.... we have to wear a reflective belt when it gets dark..... so everyone can see you from far away..... we dont even wear pt belts in the field.... why the fuck do we do it in iraq...... its bullshit.... i guess thats what happens when stupid people are allowed to make rules.... hey sgt, your hat is filthy..... roger csm...... what the fuck sgt... your suppose to be up holding the standards..... this pc is dirty as all hell..... negative csm, its not dirt..... its blood sweat and tears..... its a badge of honor...... fix it.... HOOAH..... i guess my pc doesnt scream professional.....

what have we become.... more concerned about image then ability...... i see these fucking soldiers now a days.... its a fashion show.... with there nice and neat haircuts.... clean shave..... cool guy sunglasses.... and high speed knifes and pouches all over there kits..... i dont care about a haircut... in standard out of standard.... ill get to it when i get to it..... you need to shave..... get the fuck away from me.... like me shaving is your biggest problem right now...... maybe you should forget about my face and start thinking about tactics..... maybe my shaving is as bad a thing as you not knowing what your doing in sector.... maybe we could devote so time to that..... eye pro, eye pro, eye pro........ they say its ballistic.... ballistic..... if you really think that thin piece of plastic covering your eye ball is going to withstand shrapnel or stop a bullet...... then please, let me shot you in the eye..... what ever happens, happens.... if you die, then fuck maybe the rest of us can take our eye pro off when we want to..... look at that rambo knife.... pvt snuffy thats so cool.... can i see it.....

now wait one sec... im having a hard time trying to articulate this..... try to imaging two soldiers trying to help this guy get this knife out of his kit.... really, he snugged it down so tight he needs the help of two others just to get it out...... he hands it to me.... i look for something to cut.... hey theres a water bottle, lets cut that..... i labor over this thin plastic bottle with this big fucking knife for like 5 min....... finally i cut the top off..... pvt snuffy, this is the dullest fucking knife ive ever used..... but it sure does look cool.... maybe it wasnt the knife though.... maybe that plastic water bottle is ballistic as well..... shit if the water bottle can deflect bullets, thats probably why i had a hard time cutting it with a knife.... maybe i was just being an asshole to pvt. snuffy....

well fuck its getting to be about that time.... im going to clean my weapon and eat chow.... maybe i can get a movie in before we go do our fun day shit.... well see.... i hope your life is as rewarding and fulfilling as mine...... till next time NUGHT OUT.

13 comments:

Infantry Dad said...

It's the Army Sarge making the sense less important and the important sense less.
Been that way for ever.
Hurry up, gotta get where we're going so we can wait in line so we can hurry through what we've got to do so we can get to the next line.
And we don't want to be late. We wouldn't want to miss on second of waiting.
You'll never forget it.

On the always tired thing?
It's stress Mike.
Stress is a weird thing.
Saps your energy.

Take it all for what it's worth...

And stay safe.

Mayhem At The McNeils said...

im thankful for this blog because i understand so much more about what your going through.( not that i ever could fully get it) i had no idea. hang in there love.

i love you

13 Stoploss said...

people need to read this daily life stuff. I know it well, and it's why I'll never go back into the service. you can make small change at a small level for your own soldiers, but you can't always escape it entirely.

the sleep issue has always affected me. I completely know what you are talking about. I bet you don't even know what day it is if your blog didn't tell you when you made a post! Anyway, hook up with a medic and get some benadryl. if one is too much, or makes you groggy when you wake up, break it in half. it's not habit forming, but you will eventually need to increase dosage if you use it often.

have a good one.

NUGHT said...

stress and benadryl.... lol.... thanks guys im sure your right... i am stressed and i need to take something... the problem 13 is i dont like taking pills... nor do i remember to take them... so i will suck it up and swallow it down like always.... im strong enough to fight thru it all and make it to the other side... i hear its greener over there anyways... i seem to be doing a little better with the sleep the last couple of days.... it may be because my roommate is on leave.... i dont know... im kinda like a ghost in this platoon... i do my own thing and as soon as the new MP from the rear get here im gone... i just do the little things to keep um off my back and they by and large leave me alone.... the new guy were suppose to be here on the 24th but they got pushed back to the begin of april sometime.... that will most likely turn into the middle or end of april... either way, my current standings have me with little responsibility and little bullshit... so ill ride it out till i leave and seek fulfillment else where.. until then ill just wait...

Anonymous said...

Sleep is tough one for sure, sounds like a stress and fatigue issue. One thing that has helped me over time is training myself to enjoy the act of falling asleep, to really enjoy it. I find I sleep better and wake up better if I do that. These are just empty words, though, when real burn-out happens.

NUGHT said...

wow food for thought i guess.... i will say that i do like being asleep as evident by me not wanting to get up in the morning.... eager antisipation for the moment when i can laydown and wait till my body shuts down.... hmmmm... its a tough sell.... thank you.....

Anonymous said...

Yes,try to love laying down. Then close your eyes and recoginize the darkness, be aware of nothing else except your breathing. Stop listening to yourself think and be aware that u are the consciousness,thats aware that you are thinking.....if you are aware of your breathing, you cannot let you thoughts fuck with u...thoughts which keep us awake.

Deborah said...

I know your going to hate what I have to say Michael, but talking to God and asking him to bring you peace is the only answer. I can not begin to comprehend what your daily life is all about but I can say that I have been through some things that I would not have survived if not for the grace of God. Believe me honey, you do not know all there is to know about me....Peace of Heart and Mind can be had by simply asking Your Father and having Faith in him....It has worked for me!

Love You So Much Michael
Aunt Bub...

NUGHT said...

no deb i dont hate what you've said.... i just dont see how to apply that here...... that sounds dumb i know, but let me explain..... i feel that if i wasnt talking to God before i came here, then i really have no business doing it here.... i almost feel like it would be a just in case conversation.... i hate when people do that.... leaning on religion because times are down is wrong.... if the only time your going to talk to God is when you want something... then you dont deserve it.... nothing has changed for me religously.... so no i dont think i deserve his grace or consideration in this matter.... i belive in God, im just not a good Christian..... i wont lean on him because of the situation im in....

becoming religious in a war zone..... how cliche..... its like a death row inmate finding god... how convienent....

i know what your going to say... your going to say start now... start being a good Christian now.... you have to start somewhere.... heres the problem with that.... i could do that while here, but when and if i return home it will stop.... i wont follow thru with it... i love sin to much.... so thank you for your suggestion, but i got to pass.... im not ready for that right now....
love mike.

Deborah said...

Becoming Religious in a war zone...HOW CLICHE? I don't understand. Religion and believing in God are different Michael. I have always believed in God! But, I have been ignorant or uneducated in the word of God... I wish that at your age, I had taken the time to study the Bible and come to understand it as I now do. It would have saved me at least 18 years of feeling lost and alone. God has always worked in me, I just didn't know it...PEACE, can be found in the words of God, thats not RELIGION, thats FAITH IN GOD, WHICH YOU BELIEVE IN, yes?

Deborah said...

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NUGHT said...

you just reminded me of something...

"the greatest weakness of violence is that it is a decending spiral. Returning violence with violence only multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars." DR. KING

Deborah said...

Peace with-in Michael....We can't control world powers but we can find peace in GOD WORDS !!!

xoxoxox
Love You !!!!