DUALITY OF THE MIND

The finish line is in sight. No longer are we running towards an invisible end. It's so close we can almost reach out and grab it. A month and a half from now I'll look back to this moment while watching a football game on my big screen with one of my friends, either Jack or Beam. I'll be sitting on my couch with my feet kicked up, and some home made chicken wings on the table. I'll be wrestling with my boys during commercials, and giving my wife that "stop talking to me during the game" look while watching my cowboys wreck havoc on the opposition. I'll sit there staring at the screen and at some point during the game my mind will wonder back to this place. I'll come back to this moment in my mind and say to myself, that went by quick. Time flies in hindsight, but I also know that in the moment it can be an eternity. I remember when i was at the 90 day mark. That seems like forever ago. Now I’m down around the 30 day mark and the times going ungodly slow. It seems like for the last 30 days I’ve been between the 30-40 days left mark. The logical side of my brain tells me there's not a difference of 30 between 30-40 (lol, I can count), but physically and subconsciously my mind and body feels as if I've been stuck in a time warp of sorts. Maybe it's because once you get down to the last month you can start counting weeks by default. Or maybe not. Maybe I’m just trying to understand this time pause so that i can unpause it metaphorically speaking. Whatever it is i just want it to be over. It's like for a year I’ve been running at a nice comfortable pace and now that I can see the finish line i want to sprint it out.

A part of me is telling me to slow down though. Don't be in such a hurry to have all of this end. It's telling me to soak it all in and let it resonate with in me. A part of me knows that these last 30 some odd days will probably be the last I ever spend in this country. Like it or not, this country and the two years I've spent here have become a part of my soul. It will all end soon and all I'll have are the memories. Believe it or not, they're all aren’t bad. The bonds formed through tribulation and the friends turned brothers are experiences that I will never forget. As the years pass we will all take different paths through life and disconnect. I'm going to miss my brothers. If i live to be an old man I'll look back on these days and truly feel sad. I'm going to miss these guys. There's a lot to be say for going through a shitty situation while having the luxury of being surrounded by some great people.

I miss my family more then words can express. That's what makes this deployment hard. I'm mentally strong by nature, but not being with my wife and children for a year has the ability to push the limits of my resolve. Soon I'll be with them again. I'll awake to them in the morning and be there when they go to sleep at night. After a while it will become routine and I'll start to miss the guys with whom I've lived with for the past year. Some of them will still be in my life, while others with drift away into the shadows of my memories. It's inevitable. It's a double life that i live. One with my brothers in arms and the other with my love and seeds. I wish like hell the two could merge into a hybrid well balanced life but I fear any attempt of mine to have this wish realized would be fruitless. I know there isn't a way for me to assuage the anguish of the situation. So I'll choose my family..... but miss until my days end the men with whom I stood shoulder to shoulder with in the face of an adversary hell-bent on destroying us.